We often find
ourselves at some point in life just thinking nonstop about what’s going on
around us and what’s going to happen in the near future. I can’t stop thinking
about it. I’m a hypocrite.
So I told my friend just a week ago
to not think about these things so often and take things as they come; slowly.
However, slow feels like eternity in my head and I’m about to explode if I don’t
get these thoughts out. So as I was saying, my friend is rather bothered by all
this and it’s making her unhappy. She has a boyfriend, she has two jobs, she
seems to be doing well in school, but she’s unhappy. Why is she unhappy? In a
way I understand her because no matter how much I laugh and smile in everyday
life, deep down I have my own sadness. It’s not sadness from pain, it stems
from the sadness that everyone experiences throughout their lives. I wonder if
anyone is ever really happy deep down. With all these worries and stress, we
carry on with our lives but this THING is never really gone.
I find that sometime I find myself
just looking and observing others. I really like analyzing people and trying to
figure out their behaviour and motives for doing things. Maybe I’m just trying
to look for an answer in myself. I don’t know why I feel this way and I get
slightly irritated when others ask why do I feel like this or why do I do
things like this. Why, is the question I’m also trying to answer. Do we also
have to have motive for doing things? I guess we do since that’s what civilized
people do, but I just want to let loose and do what I want without others
questioning what I do. I don’t want to know why I do things.
And so I move back to my friend. I
gave her a lot of advice that day, not knowing myself what I was saying. Half
the crap I said I don’t think I believed myself because that wasn't exactly how
I felt. Again HYPOCRITE. But what I said was the ideal and how I really wanted
to feel except right now, I’m still wondering about everything.
I’m hitting 21 very soon. It’s the
big party age if you live in America .
Parties are supposed to be fun and on the surface they are, but sometimes I
feel like they’re not even that fun. You go and get drunk; everyone forgets for
a moment of all their problems and enjoys the buzz. That’s it, right? Yeah, it’s
real smart drowning all these emotions in alcohol; a Bellini would be nice.
I guess what I’m trying to say is,
we don’t know what’s going to happen in the future. Heck, we don’t even really
know what’s happening right now. But the one thing that keeps everyone going is
hope, hope that one day things will clear up and that cloud in our heads will
dissipate into a clear sunny sky. My ultimate goal is to understand my purpose
and my own motives for living my life. I just wish I didn't have so many eyes
and mouths at my side watching and telling me each and every step I take. Is
life truly ours? Or is our social environment the stubborn little cloud that
won’t move?
My problem: EMPTINESS.
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